Project Natal Scoop!

Due to my past experience as a games journalist, I have been made privy to the following information, exclusive to the Cyclopean Encyclopedia. For your eyes only:

Project Natal Natal

That is not a typo. We have all seen the vociferous press releases, RSS feeds, web videos, etc. of Microsoft's exciting, new, technology: Project Natal. From up on high, people such as P-Middlyx, and James Cameron have declared their support for the project! ... Or is it expressing how much thicker their matresses have been in the past three weeks? Inquiring minds do not really want to know.

But forget all that!! Project Natal Natal comes through and breaks all expectations of future technology. Through the Natal interface, the gamer is presented with an in-game avatar of The Gamer, which can seamlessly be controlled through over 48 joints, flabby though as they may be. The setting is a unkempt room with modest furnishings, which has the Virtual Natal Console in it.

Through the Natal interface, the gamer can guide The Gamer to the Virtual Natal interface and begin play of a Virtual Natal Game, which is the greatest game of all time. The Gamer's fun level can easily be discerned through both an visual interface and audio cues such as:

• "Dude!"
• "Dude..."
• "Aw, Come ooooooon!"
• "I said I am coming in two minutes, Mom, leave me alone!!!"

People enjoying the deep and fulfilling gameplay of Project Natal Natal must pay careful heed to the Bladder, Bowel and Hunger meters, making the experience akin to playing that Will Wright masterpiece, The Sims. Microsoft has said not to worry as they have already started looking into addresssing the tedium of bodily functions within Project Natal Natal with unlockable DLC achievements items such as "The Diaper" and "Delivered Hot Pockets."

It is important to note that this project is still in early pre-alpha stages of development. Rest assured, your correspondent will deliver new information and screenshots as soon as they are available.

Java App Store thoughts

Sun has released a Java app store and an accompanying developer portal. It is interesting to see that they are going after the consumer software market. In his blog, The Schwartz points out that the JVM is installed on a  huge number of client PCs (billions), and various other devices. The whole thing reeks of "we are cool like you, Apple, cause we are everywhere!"

So they want to cash in on that ubiquity. One interesting question here is, why is Java so ubiquitous on the client side? I can throw some reasons out there: web pages that require a browser plugin. Fringe apps and games. Bored downloaders that ran out of things to install. And bundling.

In short, consumers didn't really make a huge jump and say "Wow let's download Java!" How are we making the logical conclusion that they will do so now? The only possiblity is that some insane marketing juggernaut makes Java a household name, or some app makes it "cool with the kids." Sun is not a marketing juggernaut, neither is Oracle, hell, neither is Microsoft (Bill Gates!?!?). The iPhone doesnt have a VM either :) Uh oh, spaghettios! The people that are most excited about the Java Store are nerds like yours truly. Yay, now I can make tons of cash too without having to learn Objective C on the iPhone!

Allow me to quote a popular social critic: "Sounds pretty irrelevant."

The one thing that it will do if it takes off is the streamlining content delivery. You can choose to bundle various OpenGL bindings (JOGL and LWJGL) for advanced graphics as well as an OpenAL binding for sound (JOAL). Very nice. Trusted source, lots of bandwidth, classification of apps. Looks like a promising start. But without a deep hierachy of categories (the current one is shallow and weird), and a robust ratings interface, this thing is going nowhere. Also, a 50mb size limit on apps? Oh, my. Oh and please, please stop plugging JavaFX every time you say Java. Seriously, it's getting to be so annyoing. And when people get annoyed, they play with their iPhone.

Here's hoping for that marketing juggernaut. Come on baby, daddy needs a new pair of everything!

I am a Huge Nerd, again: The Glorious First of June

Please do not read this post.

The Nit-Picky Barbel, four guns, seven souls. An eight league voyage. The open sea. Brigands and barbarians out for blood. Except it's not human blood (which doesn't exist). It is Kraken blood.

Kraken blood??!?

Oh yes, mates. See, in that world, Kraken blood is a coveted prize. It is not produced by Krakens, of course, but by ships that you have successfully attacked boarded, and subdued. So coveted, in fact, that just two mugfulls of the stuff is enough to buy a new ship.

An interesting twist on the whole setup is that you can use real money to buy in game money. And you can always tell who bought their rank - just like in real life. I am a captain by name only. In reality, my skills probably rate me somewhere above pirate and below officer. To wit: last night an impetuous officer boarded my ship at port and declared his intent to lead the boat in battle navigation. He was rated as master, and so I demurred. What followed was a perfect dance of sailing, gun use and thrown grappling hooks. As I busied myself on the gun deck, the young officer brought down larger ships with the Barbel three times in a row. He had help from other able bodied pirates on board, but.... well. I certainly felt old and weak, much like Howe did before retiring and going below deck much earlier than the battle's end at the Glorious First of June. The irony? It WAS the glorious first of June.